In his essay called “Everything You Thought You Knew About L-O-V-E Is Wrong” published in Time, actor and comedian Aziz Ansari opened with sharing about his parents’ arranged marriage. Ansari describes himself as “perpetually indecisive about the most mundane things” that it took him longer to decide on what to eat than it was for his father to choose a wife.
One of the nicest things revealed in that interview is that his parents are still happily together thirty-five years later. Arranged marriages are common in several cultures, especially in Asia, and have been practiced for centuries. But while Ansari’s family is a happy one, the same cannot be said about the many other arranged marriages.
You only need to look at the news to find gruesome reports about unspeakable things being done to much younger wives by their very older husbands. But despite that, the tradition still lives on. While others have found ways to make it works, others have struggled to living with someone they don’t know that well. So here’s a look at the pros and cons of arranged marriages.
List of Pros of Arranged Marriages
1. It is practical for the families involved.
How many times have we heard about a wife not liking the family she married into or the husband not comfortable being around the parents and extended family members of his spouse? Also, how many times have we heard of parents chiding their children over their failed marriages because “you didn’t listen to us” when we told you something is off regarding their future in law. As they say, parents know best.
In the case of arranged marriages, the parents act as matchmaker and surely, they only have the best interests of their child at heart. They would most likely choose a family with a good reputation and status who can provide a good future for their offspring. When people like each other, less problems tend to crop up.
2. It provides an avenue for love to grow.
While it’s not true for all, there are some couples in arranged marriages who grow fonder of each other even though they barely knew one another when they decided to get married. In the Daily Mail, an article states that “those in arranged marriages – or who have had their partner chosen for them by a parent or matchmaker – tend to feel more in love as time grows, whereas those in regular marriages feel less in love over time.”
Research states that arranged marriages are “carefully considered, with thought going into whether potential partners’ families, interests and life goals are compatible” whereas those who marry for love “tend to be blinded by passion…when the going gets tough, they are more likely to view the situation as a natural end to their romantic dream.”
List of Cons of Arranged Marriages
1. It doesn’t offer much of a choice to those getting married.
Put simply, you marry who your parents think is right for you. In an article on USA Today, Elke Thompson shares how she met her husband, Sam Quinn. Quinn wanted to get married and through church friends found Thompson. According to Thompson, they made for one day and Quinn’s dad asked: “Yes or no? We’re leaving tonight with an answer.”
That doesn’t give you much choice, does it? Luckily for Thompson, she says “I was very sure I was going to take whoever they thought was right for me. I didn’t want to worry about what I want in a guy.”
2. It can be forced.
A simple search on news about arranged marriages will lead you to stories about abuse and other psychologically damaging situations.
In the Washington Post, the story of a woman called Chitra was told. She believed she was marrying a kind and supportive man and even met him a few times before their wedding. But not long after their wedding, he showed a difficult personality heightened by alcoholism. Chitra went from being happy to unhappy and opting for a divorce would be “a shameful admission of failure in their Indian immigrant community.”
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